In my crazy life...

Everyone holds concepts of who they think other people are. Here are 12 things you probably don't know about me:

1) I've been part of a twin study ever since I was born
2) I did ballet for 10 years from 3 to 13
3) When I was 4 I touched tongues with my friend in the playground tent to see what it felt like
4) At age 7 a girl in my class kissed me behind the classroom door
5) When I was 8 I used to imagine my headteacher naked in assembly
6) At 12 I dreamt my English teacher raped me
7) When I was 13 I fell for my Geography teacher
8) I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder when I was 16
9) I fell for my 58 year old female Psychology teacher when I was 17 & my 56 year old female counsellor more recently
10) 2 1/2 weeks ago my homeless ex boyfriend having psychotherapy knocked on my door asking to stay & got rejected by the YMCA for accommodation today
11) I've thought about dropping out of University on more than one occasion just to do art, then I remember the reasons why I study Psychology in the first place
12) I did a skydive for Mind, the mental health charity last year even though I had a panic attack on the way down and was dead scary - you'd never know from the smile on my face because I knew it was for such a good cause

I don't really care much about what people may think about me or my life. These things don't define me. A lot of it was out of my control, which probably explains why I try and control every aspect of my life now.
Whatever your past is and whatever happens, at the end of the day it means nothing. What matters is who you are today and if you can hold your head high, keep on going and you're able to make people smile, despite your insecurities, then you're doing something right :')

Song I've been listening to recently - High Hopes - Kodaline

Becky
x

Starting University

Hey there!

So yesterday was the day I moved in to my uni accommodation!
I really like my room, there is plenty of floor space and it has my family and friends handprints on the pinboard - something that not many other people would think of doing! :')

I have to admit that I am feeling homesick - it's a horrible feeling. This is a big step for me - going from over 3 months of not doing anything, most meals being prepared and organised for you and your washing always being done without you even having to think about it, to having to think about all of that by yourself with no family around you to give you a hug is one of the hardest things.

I'm sure I can't be the only person to feel this way, it's just really daunting for me.

I also don't want to drink alcohol this week. You might think I'm crazy, but it's just another pressure to deal with. Also, my panic attacks are much more likely to happen if I drink alcohol, and I don't want to have to deal with that as well as everything else, and I don't want anyone else to have to deal with me. Think about it, just like alcohol reduces your ability to control your behaviour, for me it also reduces my ability to control my panic attacks.

I hope my flatmates don't mind too much, and I hope they understand.

The first week is going to be the hardest for sure!

I'll keep you updated x

Song to listen to: Keep On Walking - Passenger

Becky :)

End of an era

So, the other day was the last time that I will ever see my psychologist again.

Since being diagnosed with Panic Disorder, I have had cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and other types of therapy from a couple of  trainee clinical psychologists who would come and go and I would have to explain everything again each time and get used to that person after weeks with someone else. I didn't really feel comfortable talking to them either. Over seeing all of this however was Louise, and in the end decided to see me every few months to help continue support me until I left Sixth Form.

I felt really comfortable around her and always felt like I could tell her anything and she wouldn't ever judge me, she would be really understanding and would help support me in whatever decisions I made. I was so lucky to be able to have her as my psychologist. When other people would come and go, help me and then not help me anymore, she was always there and knew everything about me so I didn't ever need to explain anything that had happened in the past, which was such a relief.

I am happy to be leaving as I am in a much stronger position than I was a few months ago. The timing of going off to university could not have been better - it just feels like such a natural transition. I would hate to be stuck here for another year, it would do my head in! There are times when you just have to walk away, change your surroundings and exit your comfort zone in order to move forward, and that time has come around.

I'm so excited, I just hope things live up to my expectations :)

Song to listen to: Weight of Living Part 1 (Albatross) - Bastille

Becky x

A New Chapter

Hey!

So I deleted my old posts that were long forgotten about and were so cringe-worthy that they had to be removed, so I am starting again on a clean slate to create (hopefully) a coherent blog that will be much more interesting to read.

In the last two years, I have gone from being a young and naïve child who had just finished her GCSEs, to the stronger, more empathetic person that is sat in front of her laptop today, and I can honestly say that it has been far from easy.

In a couple of weeks time I will be sat in my university room, having just moved in, with numerous opportunities just an arms length away. I can't begin to describe how much all of these opportunities and getting into my first choice uni means to me. Having been diagnosed with Panic Disorder and struggling with all of the things associated with that, and loving someone that made me change my whole perspective of both myself and my life, there were honestly points when I truly believed that I would never be sitting here today, being able to say that I am going to study Psychology at the university that I had dreamt about.

I couldn't quite believe it at first, it just seemed like a dream that I would just wake up from in a click of someone's fingers, but no, it was as real as anything, and was a huge relief. My whole life had been leading up to this one point, as there was always talk of me going to uni, and it had always seemed so achievable until I had started my A levels.

I never really believed that I was ever good enough. I had recently hurt the person I cared about the most, and the way that my heart sat sad and heavy in my chest was as if a weight was lodged within me forever. I sat around doing nothing for weeks, waiting, just waiting for some good news.

I am so excited, I actually can't wait, never before has my life looked so positive and inviting. Yes, my heart is still sad, as I have lost the person that made me feel happy and safe - my rock has been swept away by the sea - but she has given me the strength to be independent and optimistic and I just want to make her proud of me in whatever I choose to do.

So here is to the future that I can now create for myself. I have all of the building blocks I need, and I have a strong base to build upon. There is literally nothing holding me back except myself now and, however cheesy it sounds, my life is only just beginning!

Song to listen to: Let Her Go - Passenger

Becky x